you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
