i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
