Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
