Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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