My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
