we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
