Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
