Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
