I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
