after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
