I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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