we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
4 words: hood of his car
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
