I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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