the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
