I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
