In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I booty called her while she was in labor.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
