I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize