Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
