Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
