I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize