I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
