McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
