He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
