Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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