so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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