I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
