i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Houston, we have a blender
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
