Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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