last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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