sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm passing your future prison.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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