he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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