What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
