Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
