My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
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