sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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