I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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