the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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