I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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