call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
