Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
