remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
