I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
