oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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