hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
