i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
