i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
