I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
