Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
