she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
