my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
