I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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