remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
