is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
