I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
