I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
