I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
