Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
People in love make me want to vomit
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize