You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
