Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
