i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
