A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize