8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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